Jake Jäger and The Adventure of the Golden Belt Buckle of Quetzalcoatl

The sun crested over the lush jungle brush as Jake Jäger emerged from his hand crafted tree house. The sounds of exotic birds rang through the clear morning air dispelling the silence of night. Upon seeing this Jake Jäger immediately scratched his testicles and returned to bed to sleep off a wicked hang over.

With the sun high in the sky Jake once more filled the doorway of his home.

“Dude, I sure could go for a protein shake and some curls.” He thought to himself as he stared out over the top of the flourishing jungle canopy.

Jake filled his lungs and leapt from his abode toward his favorite hang out. Plunging downward he grasped at vines and veered through trees and shrubs, taking any opportunity he could to check out how sweet swinging through the air made his biceps look. With a free hand he grabbed a can of Mountain Dew from one of the dew tree that dotted the landscape, opening and draining the can of its contents before his hand was needed to grasp the next vine.

Attaining the ground near the edge of a clear pool fed by a large and picturesque waterfall he stood silently. This was where Jake came to clear his head and think about what was really important, like how to craft ruffies should he ever encounter a female. He would also use the glass like surface of this clean pond to gaze upon himself for hours, admiring every line of his face and ripple in his toned body.

Jake took up two of the heavier rocks laying about the edge of the water and began curling them to make sure his arms stayed ripped. With the lifting of each rock he would let out a mighty roar and grunt to make sure no energy was wasted during his extensive work outs. However, lurking low and out of sight was something that could spell disaster for the jungle bro. An enormous python slid silently through the thick grass toward the buff orange Guido. The forked tongue of the beast shot out gaining the scent of Axe and zeroing in on Jake’s position.

Closer and closer the serpent flowed, all the while Jake never pulled his eyes from his arms as he lifted his igneous weights. When within striking distance the sleek reptile launched itself at Jake, fangs exposed and glistening. With almost preternatural speed Jake seized the neck of the mighty serpent and fell to the ground writing in mortal combat with the fiend.

“Bro!” Jake exclaimed, “You made me lose count bro!”

The monstrous snake coiled about Jake’s body as he continued to grapple with the scaly creeper.

Jake yelled “Watch the hair! Man bro, if you mess with my fade we are going to have some real problems.”

The snake hissed and snapped at Jake’s face fighting hard to make this roid raging brute his next meal. Veins bulged in Jake’s arms as his anger grew due to the unforgivable attack from this dumbass snake. A section of the snakes tail wrapped around his thigh, getting just a little too close to his junk, and this is when Jake had enough!

“No homo!” screamed Jake as he slugged the large serpent in the face.

With the senses knocked momentarily from the snake Jake fought to his feet and held the snake up, its long body fully as tall as him with several more meters laying coiled at his feet. Cocking his leg back he delivered a massive and swift kick directly to the snake’s jewels. With eyes starting from its head the snake coiled in agony for a few moments before slinking back into the thick jungle brush.

“I don’t let no dude touch my dick!” Jake exclaimed “Even if he is a snake!”

Returning to the side of the pond Jake checked his hair in the waters reflection making sure that no follicle had been disturbed. His image in the waters glass like surface captivated him and held his gaze for hours. The longer Jake observed his image the more something gnawed at him that something was missing.

“Dude” he said “My shit is sweet as hell but something needs to point out my dick.”

Jake realized that only one thing would bring the attention he needed to his package, that seemed forever shrink wrapped to his thigh under his tight jeans. He needed a belt buckle, but not any belt buckle. Something crafted by the gods encrusted with jewels depicting a dragon and a screaming tiger both wind surfing and playing guitars. Only one such object existed, and Jake new he must quest for the golden belt buckle of Quetzalcoatl!

Jake dashed to his I-Roc Z Camaro and jumped in through the open v-top. The motor growled as he turned it over and the sounds of Lady Gaga blasted from the speakers as he squealed his tires and peeled off toward South America.

Pulling to a sandy shore all he could see for miles was sand and water. This was the flaw in Jake’s plan, there was no way for him to cross the mighty ocean that separated him from the treasure he needed around his waist. Revving the motor of his powerful sports car he knew there was only one chance. With the determination of a charging rhino Jake slammed the accelerator to the floor, throwing sand into the air as his back tires spun. The shore grew closer and closer as the engine throttled through it gears and gained more and more speed. Reaching the waters edge it seemed as though the mighty chariot would indeed mount the waves and ride through the blue expanse as the star of phoebes rides through the heavens. A strong wave lifted the nose of the car sending it rocketing several yards outward into the deeper waters of the briny blue.

Regaining contact with the water a curious thing happened, the steel frame of that car (never meant to be used in water) sank like a stone trapping Jake Jäger bro of the jungle within its metal grasp. As the azure liquid quickly pulled Jake from sight, a lone and strained “Bro” was abruptly cut off. Now only the cries of the sea birds echoed as foamy waves washed away the tracks of Jake Jäger’s whereabouts.

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